chu_nky's Journal

i have no idea how much i weigh

i stopped obsessing with the scale

i will weigh myself in two weeks.
obsessing over the scale is about as bad of a habit as smoking.
who knows, it probably causes cancer, too.
doesn't everything?

164

i had a really bizarre binge last night-
bizarre in several ways

1. i wasn't mad about it.

2. it was bread and butter.
seriously.
bread and fucking butter.
how can you binge on bread and butter?
when you have five pieces of white bread
two hamburger buns
a hot dog bun

oh and some cheez its.
so i gained 1 lb overnight.

what the eff?

i don't know. it's like i don't even give a shit because i know i won't do it again.

i need to go grocery shopping cos the rents aren't buying decent food.

i need to get some fiber rich products
- i know that makes me sound like some fucking old person but seriously - when you have NO fiber in your diet, it kind of fucks with your system. a lot.

i also need to up my caloric intake.
seriously.

i've only been eating twice a day and it's fucking up my metabolism, i do believe.

anyway-
i'm really tired
i gotta go

162.5 <~~~~~~ EFFING SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

ok 7.5 til i can buy new clothes
and what's even more righteous

is that i have less than 20 lbs til i'm out of the overweight category. now THAT, i can't fucking believe.

164.5 <~~~~~lowest thus far!!!!!!

anyway.
so i made this deal with myself. no new clothes until 155 (which, if you know me, is unbelievably hard.)

the problem is that february was SO unproductive....i stayed in mid-upper 160's all month and didn't get anywhere. it wasn't a plateau, it was too many bad food choices mixed with good food choices, and in the end i got nowhere.

i also bought DDR which is fucking AWESOME as hell, and when i don't have the two+ hrs to get to the gym, i will play that because it's fucking RAD TIMES TEN.

but keep in mind, i did almost no physical activity in feb.
so this month, i will focus very hard on getting fit as well as staying on the eating wagon.

the clothes thing is huge for me because i am addicted to clothing.

so only 9.5 lbs.

I GOT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

167

UGH i need to get out of this 165-170 rut. i will. hopefully working out will help me

165.5

who knows why. i've been dehydrated, i think, what with coffee and alcohol and who knows what. yesterday i didn't binge but i ate this entire bag of popcorn (lite) and at like 11 pm went upstairs to binge and had three pieces of white bread (which is awesome because 3 mths ago it would have been so much worse)

anyway, i think i've done really well lately in the not binging department. i'll admit there are some days i fuck up (like wednesdays) but overall, i am very impressed with myself. i just need to get to the fucking gym fucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk

166.5

sweet!

tomorrow is wednesday (fuck up day)
but i think what i'll do is just not eat anything till i go out with my friends

and spare the bullshit about how starving yourself until dinner is stupid because you eat more

if i pig out, i will pig out in the same way, regardless of what i ate several hours before. i know myself far more than anyone else

167 and i ate a shitload of candy today so we'll fucking see

my throat hurts like a bitch and i'm just updating this because i feel obligated

didn't weight myself this morning- i was *so* cold.
once i got the clothes on i realized i didn't weigh and could not bear to freeeeeeeeeeeeze to death again.

it probably wasn't good.

and this is what i ate.

*very* small bowl of of cereal w/2% milk
salad from swifty's (which consists (always) of tons of grilled chicken, *some* shredded cheese, fat free ranch, etc.)
entire bag of light popcorn.
entire frozen dinner (but that thing was hella small, for real. i scooped it onto a plate and it took up like 1/10 of the space.

anyway, popcorn and frozen dinner BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD and even after that, i go into my room and just think to myself
"shit, gotta binge, gotta binge, gotta binge, i hope no one's near the kitchen" (i'm a hider when it comes to binging)

anyway i was so mad at myself for wanting to eat even MORE after that popcorn/frozen fuck up and who knows WHAT i ate yesterday (it was really. really. really. really. bad.) so i drank like three million ounces of water, i mean i chugged the shit out of that water, and then i realized something:

god damn. i tend to binge if i don't have a lot of water.
when i drink water like a fanatic, i tend to do well with eating, and when i don't (like today i just had coffee, coffee, coffee), i fuck up.

so tomorrow will be a ton of water day. definitely.

REMEMBER ERICA: FOOD=MINDFUCK.

168 (retarded binge.)

why are numbers and letters so important? i found myself asking that question as i was peeing in the public restroom of the meramec student library about 5 minutes ago.

see, if i drop a dress size, the deal is huge.
if i go from xl to l to m, the deal is huge.
if i go from 168-167, the deal is huge.

when i look at myself in the mirror, there is no huge deal.
why is that?
why do we find ourselves victoriously jumping up and down as though we just got fucked by ashton kutcher when the scale changes, but when we see ourselves we could care less? i just don't get how we act.

i'm not the only person, almost EVERYONE with a weight issue is obsessed with their size and weight. it's fucking bizarre.

i tell you, they should start manufacturing clothing in size -,--,---,---- and so on, stricly using -'s instead of anything else. would make me feel a hell of a lot better, anyway.

ta ta.

167.

so i binged yesterday. what the fuck?
i ate bowl of cereal for break-
then at night 3 pb sandwiches, entire bag of popcorn, 2 baked potatoes, a couple of cookies?

what the hell.
anyway, i was expecting a LOT more than 167 but i am still hella pissed at myself.

did good today

anyway, tomorrow is last day of january, and i dont' think i will hit goal of 165 but i've come hella close, HELLA!

so feb goal will be 158.
why? because even though i've lost like ten lbs in january, it will be harder to take the weight off because my body is going to get used to these eating habits. so i will work out more and keep up with eating habits.

i just can't wait to be @ 163 (down 20lbs from when i was weighed at the gym), and then 158 because i will be out of the fucking goddamn 160's (which i really dislike.)

so yep.
158 by the last day of february. i so got this.

166.5

most excellent. i have lost a lot of weight for january. i've got a calendar marking somewhere early jan that says 175.5

that's a lot of fucking weight. i know a lot of it was that jump-start-body-shock thing where you completely change eating habits and your body freaks-
i need to set a february goal- but not just yet.

i am still gonna try to be 165....1.5lbs by saturday. keep fingers crossed. i won't expect to lose so much in feb, but i would like to get into the 150's. i did put on a pair of dress pants that didn't seem to stick so tightly to my ass. and the things i'm wearing seem to look a little better on me.

and at heather's party i got a few compliments about how i look. sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

it's not so bad to stick to this good eating shit when it becomes habitual.

REMEMBER ERICA, OVEREATING IS JUST A STUPID MIND FUCK.

165.

really, i'm excited. but this hangover i seem to be reeling from kind of counteracts the excitement. i know it's probably because the alcohol dehydrated my body or whatever but i have almost an entire week to make sure i can stabilize this 165.

i haven't thought about my february goal...it will be a little harder seeing as how it's always easy to shed the first few lbs. i need to get to that damn gym but with this whole coughing thing, i can't really workout now.

167.

very good but it happened in a not so good way.
yesterday i ate breakfast and nothing else.

to counteract a milkshake and a bowl of white chicken chili from the day before.

i will be drinking tonight, and i'm very scared, it will be lots of mixed drinks and things like that, so we'll see what happens tomorrow.

but as of now, TWO MUTHAFUCKIN LBS UNTIL I HIT MY JANUARY GOAL (i have a week to do it. i got this shit.)

i would also like to reiterate the fact that overeating food is a complete mindfuck.

168.5

muthafucka.
i came THIS >< CLOSE to binging.
my stepmom was talking to me in my room and all i was thinking about was how there was a huge bag of kettle corn in the kitchen. oh i could have some and be okay....but if i went in the kitchen for kettle corn, i would come out with the entire bag and four peanut butter sandwiches.

so i didn't.
i am so proud of myself.
i keep weighing myself at night (the 168.5 was from this morning) and it's starting to piss me the fuck off.]

anyway i was really proud of myself because i didn't drink all that damn diet soda with all of those crusty chemicals, i had a cup of coffee, a gulp of diet dr pepper, and the rest water, all day.

good job sista

OH WAIT- i wanted to write more about my almost binge.

know why i almost did it? worrying.
about a fucking boy.
because something really retarded happened at work and made me all crazy so i almost binged. how fucking retarded was that.
i am very proud of myself though. it's amazing how much binging can relate to stress.

168.

this made me happy for many reasons.
#1. i bought that scale like 3 mths ago and have never seen 168 on it.
#2. i was out of the 170's.
#3. that's fuckin awesome.
which means 3 lbs to go before end of january goal and i have almost 2 weeks.

now here's the problem.

i got on the scale like five minutes ago. never fucking weigh yourself at night, that's probably THE most retarded thing to do.

i had 2 diet sodas and a few ritz crackers and suddenly i hate myself. why? 2 weeks ago it was a milkshake and a whole mcd's meal. why is this pissing me off so much?

beause i want to be strict. i'm such a jackass sometimes.

170.

funny. i always write more when i'm doing better. so i have a little less than 2 wks to lose 5 lbs and make that goal of 165 by end of january... but as long as i lose half a lb per day i'll be fine.

but fuck all of that nonsense anyway, it's so bizarre how caffeine is this stupid stimulant, but it always helps me, as long as it's in coffee and not like sodas and teas and shit.

i don't really have anymore to say except nice job erica. just gotta keep up the good work.

i'm coughing like a bandit tho, hope this shit gets better.

well j,

this is the scoop.

several events happened that have caused me to eat PERFECTLY for the past 2 days.

1. i simultaneously got my period and a chest cold.
good god how much does THAT suck, and i think it's one or the other that is constantly on my mind, NOT FOOD.
2. friday signified exactly four months until i turn 21 and i HAVE to lose a significant amount of weigh for this birthday. why? i don't know, some kind of symbolic turning 21 sort of bullshit type thing.
3. i started drinking coffee again. coffee ALWAYS helps aid in weight loss. it's the caffeine, and i shouldn't depend on it, but it does kind of help. see, the caffeine in like...diet sodas and iced tea (with sweet n low or something) doesn't do shit for me, and i think it's because that sweet sensation triggers cravings, so i just deal with deliciously bitter coffee (it took me a full year to learn to like it, and now i love it)
4. i (once again) realized the whole mindfuck of the overeating situation. like, it's just fucking food, and who says you have to eat it. yourself? i mean it's THAT simple, it's JUST food, jeez. it's sort of sad that the whole thing can be summed up in such a short sentence. it's just food.

anyway, so i woke up today at 171.5

i just want the scale to say 165 because i have NO CLUE the last time i was there.

i believe it's all about the five lb increments because you see something ending with 5 or 0 and that's pretty significant, you know?

anyway, tomorrow will be cool.

mkay.
woke up today
172.5

did grrrrrrrrrrrrreat
until
went to work
had a milkshake.

what's fucked is that this was literally 3 minutes AFTER i ate my HUGE, very FILLING salad. i simply could not resist.

that milkshake is like...gaining 1 lb. it's really gross.

this is fucking ridiculous. like i'm not binging tonight and i'll be fine....but that fucking milkshake? i was in NO WAY hungry, WHATSOEVER, but i just wanted that sweet taste, and i didn't want it to stop......i'm so gross sometimes.

so i need to set a real goal.

by the end of january, which is a few weeks, i want to be 165.

so i need to lose 7.5 lbs.
which i can do, because when i DO eat decently, and i'm not talking starving myself, the weight FALLS OFF.

so if i can be 165 by jan 31, i will do something really great for myself...what will i do...hmm..will decide that a little later. but 165...i can hannel it.

for real.
binging food is like....well it's extremely hard to explain, especially whilst typing a fucking journal entry.

it's sort of a mindfuck, really.
you spend constant time thinking about how fucking fat you are, but when you binge, the only thing you can mentally grasp is what you are planning on shoveling into your mouth next.

today i awoke at 173.5
i binged today, i had this heaping bowl of white chicken chili and a huge chocolate malt. how sick (but delicious) is that?
this of course, was after i had my healthy bowl of cereal, and before i felt sick to my stomache.

i watched dr phil today, he's kind of retarded, but i like his overweight episodes. especially when he shows people who are actually losing the weight.

dr phil has some great ideas. especially when it comes to the whole mind situation. you know, being overweight, and overeating, it's like karate- don't they say karate is like 90% mental and 10% physical?

same with food.

i am disgusted with my weight. absolutely fucking disgusted.

i will use this journal as....well not as a food diary, but more of a diary of my lifestyle change, foodwise.

i had a little luck a few months ago, when i just stopped thinking about food. like if food would creep into my mind, i would immediately think of something else....but then after a few weeks, i allowed food to creep into my mind and stay there...almost as if i wanted to sabotage myself. no more.

this will be solved.
not starting tomorrow
and i won't cry about yesterday.

this is all about now.

Advertisement